Holding on While Letting Go
As the mother of both a twelve year old and seventeen year old daughter, I find myself confused that my girls don’t still spend all of their time hanging off of my hip the way they used to. Don’t get me wrong –for teenagers they are sweet and love their mother, I’m one of the lucky ones, but I’m definitely not their whole world any more. If I’m honest, I am not as secure with that change as I’d like to be. I’m working on it, but it’s a struggle.
When preparing for a new baby, you read all the things and you do all the things and you prepare as much as you can. As a new mom you’re busy and you’re exhausted and you’re not quite sure what you’re doing; but people rally around you and they carry you through the first few weeks and they listen with understanding compassion in those first years to help you through. But those beautiful souls, the ones who kept us sane, eventually fade away, just when we need a tribe the most. It can feel a little like we’re even more clueless than before and it’s hard and confusing and so lonely, yet we rarely reach out. After all, we should know what we’re doing by now, right?
No one talks about how difficult it is to build humans. To build them from the ground up—up and out the door, both literally and figuratively. We want them to be respectful but assertive. They should stand for their beliefs fiercely, but always listen to others to understand, not to simply hear. Teach them to wash their hands and say their prayers and to see the face of God in every soul. We hope they have the heart of a servant but never ever live their lives for someone else. They need to know that they shouldn’t “buy” friendship and affection but also, if possible, never pass up an opportunity to make someone feel loved and special. The list goes on and on and on…
Here I am, staring down the barrel of my oldest daughter’s high school senior year. All the while knowing that it will be filled with nothing but lasts. The last first day, last soccer season, last pair of cleats, last school uniform, last report card, last Christmas before college and last year that our home is her full time residence (to name a few). Somewhere between the diapers and the lasts, my life happened, her childhood happened. My husband and I grew the most beautiful, loving, generous, kind person I’ve ever known, she’s genuinely a good person. While I am biased, all of that is still true.
What is also true, is that no one teaches you how to let go. How to give your children a safe and secure home base, while also giving them the courage to leave you behind. You know that saying “the best gifts that you can give your children are roots and wings?” That’s the God’s honest truth, but it’s really hard. They’re a little mouthier, a whole lot more opinionated and a half of a foot taller than me, but they’re still my babies. Like, they were just born, right? And yet, before me stands a woman, the kind of woman I wish I were more like. It seems as though the older she gets the more I need her and the less she needs me. So while I’m supporting her brand new flight, I too am taking a new path—the one of being the mother to an adult. It’s sad, heartbreaking actually, but it’s also exciting to see her on this new adventure. I’ve come to realize that much of life can be summed up in one thought: Life is about holding on and letting go. The trick is to discern which is which and how to do both gracefully.
16 Comments
Kristy Bunce
Boy does this hit home. Just hit the nail on the head and so beautifully written!
Tracy Applebee-Davis
Thank you, Kristy! Your opinion and constant support means more to me than you will ever know!
Millie stiffler
Omg! This hit home. So needed this today. Made me tear up and gave me chills. I am a mom of a 15 year old soon to be 16. He was my first born and will always be my baby. I also have a 5 year old almost 6 year old.
Tracy Applebee-Davis
Millie, You’re in the beginning stages of letting go. Hang in there!
Tacie
Tracy, I look forward to following your path! You are a year ahead of me in this part of the parenting adventure and so loving and wise!
Soren has been teaching me/preparing me for holding on and letting go since she was about 5. I am fortunate that God gave me her because she is the guide.
Please know I am here as part of your support team/put crew! And your biased opinion about Lauryne is TRUTH! This is beautifully written!
Tracy Applebee-Davis
Thank you, Tacie! I am so grateful for you in my life. You have taught me so much about myself and who I want to be in this world. I’m always in awe of the way you are a helper in this world.
Kathy Koziol
Tracy,
You amaze me. It’s extremely hard to let go. I know I gave my girls roots, but was always worried they didn’t have wings. I know better now. Life happens and all is well. I’m as proud of my girls for their compassion, kindness, independence and intellect.
Keep the blog going girl. Fantastic job.
Love you Tracy,
Freda
Tracy Applebee-Davis
Thank you, Freda! Love you!
Donna Wiercinski
Very beautiful Tracy. And your right. I was so busy doing everything for everyone I put me aside. When all 3 of them moved out and on with their own lives I felt left behind and forgotten. I didnt know how to be me, the person anymore. I was always mom or the wife. And now a few years has passed and i know I should be proud and grateful that they all stand of their own 2 feet and no longer need mommy to fix things on a daily basis I still feel a little lost. I know I should be excited ti be starting a new life but dang I miss the old one too. My babies will always be just that, my babies. No matter how many grandkids they give me or how old they get. I love them.
Tracy Applebee-Davis
I think it’s really hard to try to find yourself after the “mommy life.” I think feeling lost is part of the journey, and grieving that “former life” is exactly normal and exactly right. We need to normalize that more and start walking with each other as we begin again. Many hugs!
Krista Stempka
This is amazingly written and as a fellow mom I completely get where you are coming from. I love you and your girls and you are raising amazing women for the world to see.
Tracy Applebee-Davis
Thank you, Krista! I appreciate you always being an active member in my tribe! Love you!
Cheryl Strecker
How insightful this is. All I can tell you is that a mother of a 40 year old daughter, the bonds you build with your girls now will serve you well long after they have become independent women. They might not need you as much, but they still want you-and when you get to that point it is the best relationship ever-and you know that you have done your job. Love you and your family Tracy.💗
Tracy Applebee-Davis
Thank you, Cheryl! We love you!
Katie Schaaf
This is wonderful, Tracy. Your girls will be able to fly much higher than most for having a mom like you. Your job is not over! XO
Tracy Applebee-Davis
Thank you so much, Katie! ❤️