Mom Goals

Do you follow Meredith Masony of “That’s Inappropriate” Instagram/YouTube/Facebook fame? She’s also written a couple of books; I just bought the newest one entitled, “Ask Me What’s for Dinner One More Time” because I feel that title in my soul. In. My. Soul.  If you haven’t yet, go check her out! She’s funny and real and relatable and even if you don’t agree with something, she’s still awesome. In any event, recently someone tweeted to her that “This the type of woman who gets take out for her family at least three times a week instead of cooking. She is definitely not mom goals.” Meredith responded with grace and the expected amount of irritation. She asked why we do this to each other and said that this is the reason moms don’t reach out and speak up.

Why, indeed. Women are the most powerful force on earth (don’t come at me, men are great too), so why are we not building each other up? Or at the very least staying quiet instead of being hurtful? I mean, we’re all doing the best we can. Why are we so hard on each other when we talk about struggles? It’s hard to stand up and say that we’re scared, feeling like we are barely hanging on, and if we are on the fence seeing someone respond in a hurtful manner it often leads to shutting down. Being a mom is hard, of course we love it, but it’s hard and to anything less is disingenuous. It was difficult before homeschooling, virtual learning, and many of us are now doing it without our tribe because of the challenges with Covid.

I am a mom who has made bread from scratch, hot breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. I’ve played trucks and dolls for hours, I’ve played video games and board games multiple times a day. I’ve made Halloween Costumes and curtains for my kids so that everything was perfect. I’ve taken them on walks and day trips, I’ve painted Minions on tiny toenails and soccer balls on nails. I am “that” mom and I’m proud of her.

But I’ve been another kind of mom too. I have suffered with (generalized) anxiety and OCD over the past two decades and probably longer. In the last two years, the two reared their ugly heads with a vengeance. And new to the party are clinical depression and panic disorder. For a while I didn’t even know that I was in a bad place, I was just chugging along. I was so fortunate to have a couple absolute warriors who marched into the darkness and helped me find my way back out. There were days when as I was pouring my coffee I’d look over my shoulder at the clock and give myself the pep talk that I could go back to bed in 15 hours, I’d cry in the shower and steal myself to go out into the world to pretend I was okay. I ordered dinner no less than 3 days a week, we’d also have sandwiches and my kids would make dinner. I was doing the best I could. I was the best mother I could be at that moment. Was I plugged in 100%? No. Was I everything that I am today or was before I got sick? Nope. But… I never missed a game, I took my child to every single practice. I never missed a recital, dance class or performance. I hugged my kids every day and snuggled with them and loved on them and I was with them. I laughed at their jokes and corresponded with teachers. I did the best I could with what I had and what I was at that point, which was a severely depressed, anxiety ridden, panic laden mom who loves her kids more than can be adequately expressed… and I’m really proud of her too.

Because I’ve been there and I did it, do I expect that everyone can do it? No. Not everyone has the tribe that I have. Some people’s symptoms of the same disorders are so much worse. I’ve never walked in anyone else’s shoes. So if you’re struggling and your kids are eating cereal every single night or pizza five nights a week; if you can’t talk yourself out of bed so you call your baby into your bed to watch tv and snuggle; If your kiddo is playing by themselves for a bit so you can cry in the shower, I’m proud of you, too. There will always be people who are judgmental turds, but it’s my sincere belief that this world will always be better if we build others up and “decide” to believe people when they say that they are trying. Of course, there will be times when someone’s children might be safer being removed from a parent while they focus on themselves. And so it’s being said, we’re not talking about those homes that are abusive or neglectful. We’re talking about parents who for whatever reason are overwhelmed and worn out and need a little patience, kindness and grace. We never know what another person is battling and it’s so easy to be kind.

Perhaps you aren’t fighting a mental illness, but you’re a working mom and now you’re trying to do school after dinner each night and still make time for your partner. Maybe you’re a stay at home mom and you’re struggling to balance everyday responsibilities as well as learn your child’s curriculum to help them have a successful year. Maybe you’re a horrible cook and the most loving thing you can do is order out. Perhaps you’re not a superstar housekeeper but things are tidy and your kiddos are safe, loved and happy. “Mom goals” are not ridiculous standards. “Mom goals” means loving and caring for your children by any means necessary. The truth is, “the best you can” *is* enough.  

Mom guilt is real and even when we’re doing everything right, we feel like we should have done more. If we tried a little harder, we could do a little better. I often wonder if I was enough for my girls. Did I hold them enough, enjoy them enough, blah, blah, blah… was it enough? Even though I know in my heart that I did, I sometimes do need my husband to reassure me. His tried and true, “Are you kidding me? We’re lucky they learned to walk you held them so much” enables me to smile and move on. But not every mom has a “Mark,” so because we know how hard it can be, we should be doing the work, building the foundation, reaching out a hand. We should be in the business of helping other moms shine.  If a mom you know is struggling, ask how you can help. Nine times out of ten just the offer will help more than we will ever know and she just needs to feel seen.

Judge a little less. Love a little more, and for the love of everything holy– let’s tell each other when we have spinach in our teeth and lie a little when we ask how obvious the coffee stain is on our shirt from that morning’s rush to get out the door! We’re all in this together.

PS: Go check out Meredith here: https://www.instagram.com/thats_inappropriate/?hl=en