The Red Candle

***** TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide and child loss.

There’s a little red candle at our church. It sits right under the pulpit or altar, at the ready. Waiting until we eventually “need” it again. I can go for a while without thinking about that candle, until…

Last night, my daughter came home and told me about a commotion down the road. Fire trucks, police and what she assumed was the coroner. So she called a friend who is an EMT and he informed us that it was a murder-suicide and my mind immediately went to a domestic dispute. Although pretty rare out in the country where I live (the murder suicide, not domestic violence that’s frequent, I’m sure), overall it’s remarkably common. It’s almost predictable isn’t it? Angry man gets overwhelmed with rage when he can’t control “his woman” the way he wishes, so he snaps—killing her and then himself. It breaks your heart every time it happens, and yet it’s an age-old story. Then it happened… my daughter leans in really close and lowers her voice and said “A dad killed his two kids, set a fire and killed himself, mom… ages 13 and 10. Sassy probably knows them…” I think that she said more but I’m not sure. I remember whispering “noooo” in a quiet sigh letting all the air out of every corner of my lungs.

Sassy was in the shower, so I messaged my local mom tribe and let them know the information I had heard. They are the ones who told me that indeed Sassy would know the 13 year old. I asked how their kids were doing and we briefly talked about how we shouldn’t have to explain this to our kids. We all agreed and then went to be with our kids. And so I went about explaining this horrific, unexplainable event to my baby. I talk to her about loss and mental illness and desperation and mental instability. I let her know that everyone grieves differently and there is no wrong way to do that. I also remind her that she has a tribe and encouraged her to talk to us, any of us. Talk or don’t, but we’re here. She tells me she’s going to bed and does. This is rare. But once I hear her breathe deeply I too go to bed to process the evening.

I prayed for all involved, the families, the friends, teachers, and coaches. I prayed and I process. And then I remember the candle. Ugh… rage flows through my veins. That red candle will come out a church again this week. Just like it does every time there is another incident of gun violence. And ya know what? I hate that f*%@ing candle. I really do. I love that as a faith community we continue to pray for and remember victims and that we never let it become “just another example”, but I hate that candle. I hate that we use it so often. I hate that we bought it in a two pack because we keep needing to buy another. I hate that I know exactly where it is. I know the inevitable sighs and chat that comes with its appearance. I hate knowing that as it’s pulled out, we all hate it.

Now, if you’re a red candle maker, I don’t hate you and I don’t wish that you stop selling red candles. I just don’t want to buy a red candle for Community United Church, ever again.  I hate what it represents in my life. I hate that we have occasion to use it. I hate that we use it at least as often as we don’t. I hate that over and over and over we are losing lives in senseless tragedies. I hate explaining these events to my kids again and again. I hate falling asleep trying to wrap my head around another event. I even hate that I hate a candle.

Although, in this latest candle inducing event (as with most) we may never know why, we can take solace only in small graces– these are very different for all of us. For me and my family and my faith community we’ll say many prayers, hold space for the victims and the families left behind, and support them any way we can. And of course, we’ll light the red candle to signify our commitment to those things and with the most sincere hope that the candle can stay under the altar table.

***If you are having suicidal feelings or thoughts please contact the National Suicide Hotline at 800-273-8255 or visit their website at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/